I didn’t know I was black until I was in kindergarten.  I remember  the first time that I was shown The People Rainbow. For those who may not remember,  The People Rainbow, was used in the 80′s to illuminate diversity to children. The people rainbow placed people into five colors white,black,red,yellow and brown. My 5 year old logic, couldn’t make sense of it. My mother whose family has a range complexions is of a much lighter complexion than I. According to the people rainbow, she is part black,white and red. My father was of a darker complexion than I and according to the people rainbow he was black and red. My older brother was closer to my mother’s complexion so my 5 year old self was in a bit of a conundrum. 5 year old Evan resolved it by saying  that my dad and I are black and my mom and brother are white.

One day, a few years later I was watching television and some men in funny hats were marching around. I asked my mother “Who are those guys?” “The Ku Klux Klan.” my mother gently responded. “What do they do?” “They don’t like certain people.” she replied. I asked “Who don’t they like?” “Black people.” (And the list went on…). “Why?” I asked in a fearful confusion. She went on to illuminate why and I didn’t understand. Why didn’t they like me. They didn’t know me.  It simply made no sense.

As time went on I began a journey into studying American history, black history,the civil rights movement, The Black Panthers and Black Muslims. (Heavy stuff for an 8 or 9 year old).  This study begat a disdain for white people. I used to(and still do  view white people as the source of evil. I remember in 4th grade drawing a comic book about a fight between the Black Panthers and The Klan. I was a 9 year old black militant revolutionary. I would say “I hate white people!” And it wasn’t that I hated white folk, it was that I didn’t understand why the Klan even existed. And in  all the history I studied all the, most of f-uped stuff was caused by…Well, white people. Being upset with white folks made a lot sense in the 4th grade.

In the 5th grade…This all changed… Why? Because during that year Christina Olsen, a white girl, became the most beautiful girl in the world.  And every time the self that wanted to hate white folks came in, she would destroy it with her beauty. Now, if we were to talk to Elijah Muhammad… That’s another blog… The point being, her presence opened a little boy’s heart. And that feeling felt wrong to fight. This feeling was similar to when I first heard Soundgarden’s “Outshined.” and I couldn’t deny that I loved that music and the only reason I couldn’t like it was because I was black. This felt more like nonsense than allow myself to enjoy what I felt.

I have learned, that the more things I embrace, the celebration of my attractions, the curious confrontation of my aversions, the more beautiful and harmonious life is. Racism, bigotry,homophobia,interpersonal drama or anything that oppresses the loving flow and affirmation of self and others, is experienced as an illness. An illness, for which I have the deepest compassion. With the knowledge,  the question is begged, how do I treat this illness? How does one treat an ill member of their family? For me, Family is everywhere. It is found as much in my mother as it is found in a homeless man on the street. This sense of family found with my beloved lady now, as much as it found with the women, whose parting hurt me most. Family is found in, my new found appreciation of Brother Dr. Cornel West and it is found in the deep sadness and anger I experience from the psychotic atrocities  of  Adolf Hitler.  Every human soul ever embodied is my family and it is only a belief that keeps me, dare I say US, from experiencing that truth.